How to support someone with anxiety: What to do and what not to do

Anxiety is a hard thing to understand, I have dealt with it for my entire life and I still don’t understand it fully!  It is even harder to understand when you have rarely experienced it. I have listed a few simple things to do if you know someone who deals with anxiety and you want to support them.

Anxiety is a hard thing to understand if you have never gone through it.  I have come across a few people in my life who have made it worse because they just don’t know any better. The simplest things can send an anxious person into a tailspin. Because of this, some anxious people are closed off but really what we need is the support of someone who will try to understand and accept us for who we are, anxiety and all. So this post is for anyone who doesn’t have anxiety but knows someone who does. You want to support them but you’re not 100% sure how. Well, here it is straight from an anxious person. First, check out my post - Anxiety: Easy ways to help calm the mind and body for a look into what anxiety is like for me and the coping methods I use. 

It is so helpful to an anxious person when someone is truly supportive, it can help pull them out of it. For me, those people have been my family, friends, and husband. They haven’t always understood, but they have learned and helped me through some of my toughest days. Here is a list of ways to support someone you know or love who struggles with anxiety.  What to say, what not to say and how to help them get to the other side of a panic attack. 

1. DO NOT say things like: Just calm down, you are fine, get over it, you are being a baby, you are too sensitive, why are you freaking out? These are all things that I have heard and it makes it so much worse.  If I could “just calm down” then I wouldn’t be struggling with it in the first place. All these statements do is make the person feel stupid and like they are annoying you.  Trust me, it is much more annoying to us than you.

2. Instead, say things like: I am here for you, you are not alone, I will help you get through this, I love you (if appropriate), you are strong, this will pass, you have gotten through this before and you will again. Ask them things like, how can I help? What can I do for you? Can I get you anything?

3. Be curious, see if they are comfortable with you asking questions so you can better understand what they go through. Ask them what it’s like and what triggers it. If they don’t feel like talking about it at that time (sometimes even talking about it can cause a panic attack) let them know that you are here to talk and listen when they are comfortable.

4. When it comes to an overly worried person, try to reassure them.  The worries are probably really stupid, we know this, we are telling ourselves this while we are worrying but we can’t stop. Tell them that it is going to be okay and why you think that. For example, if I am worried about something I said earlier in the week to someone because I thought I sounded stupid, my husband could say I don’t think that sounds stupid because… or he could remind me that most people don’t go through their day judging someone for every little thing they said and even if they did it doesn’t matter because I am a good person who only means well.

5. Listen to them. During a panic attack, there are times that I have to go outside and be by myself and other times that I need someone next to me to talk through it. Ask them what they need and don’t be offended if they sternly say to go away or to be quiet. Panic attacks heighten the senses so sometimes we just need it to be silent and quickly.

6. Last and definitely not least, if you feel like someone is really struggling and may not be able to cope on their own, please help them reach out for help. It can be really hard for someone to admit that they need help, it was for me but it was the best thing that I did for myself. I was able to do it because I had people in my life that made me feel like it was okay and I was supported.  If you have to be that person for someone, please be that person.

As an anxious person, I rely on the supportive people in my life to get through it.  Thank you for being that person for someone. Life is a crazy thing to figure out, but it is much easier with supportive people by your side.  If you have any questions regarding anxiety please feel free to contact me here.